Thursday, August 19, 2010

Vocabulary Lesson - Budgets

Okay children the class will come to order.
Today's subject is vocabulary in the real world.
What does the word budget mean?
How about balanced?  Of course I mean ‘balanced’ the normal human way of using it and not the way Fox News does which is totally distorted and self serving bullshit.
When you plan a budget it generally means that you wish to have all your bills covered and accounted for.  There are to be no surprises when the bill's due date arrives because you have budgeted for the amount due.  It means you have put aside enough money to pay the bill.
Now on to the second word, balanced.
When something is balanced it will not tip over.  It will likewise not throw you off like a seesaw with an incredibly obese person on the other side, assuming you are not also incredibly obese and one of you doesn't suddenly get up.
So if we were to put both of these words together into one phrase or sentence the odds are we would have an incredibly balanced budget.
This budget would be one we could count on to last for the duration and never give us any problems, right?
This budget would allow us to sleep peacefully at night in the knowledge that all our bills were covered and the world was a wonderful place.
Well boys and girls I hate to break it to you but we must now examine the real world.
I don't condone the dirty
practices of large
corporations these days.
Companies are in business to make money.  But those same companies never heard of Professor Charles Kingfield of ‘The Paper Chase.’  They don't earn it the old-fashioned way. They'd rather trick their customers in a new-fashioned way.
It's the new normal of the business world.
Now not every company is hell bent on fraudulent practices but so many are reaping by raping that more will see the benefits and join in.
One of the originators of fraudulent practices is the infamous Long Island Power Authority commonly known as LIPA.  This group charges whatever they wish and their rates are among the highest in the country.
LIPA, which actually stands for Lowlife Insane Pricks of America offers their customers the convenience of “Balanced Budget Billing.”
This oxymoron by the morons of the country is supposed to mean that they set you up with a certain monthly amount at the beginning of a year and you can authorize automatic payments from your bank to cover them.
Their sister company in crime, National Grid, formerly Keyspan, Marketspan, Keyspan, nee Brooklyn Union Gas uses a similar tactic.
Both companies charge penalties for late payments.
Now for the fun part.
These two crooks of America (actually National Grid is a British Company) don’t keep their budgets going for a year.
About four or five months into the year they recalculate and if they feel they are falling behind or one of their CEOs has a vacation to take care of or a mistress in need they raise the budget!
Guess what Kessel has
in his gullet and
win a prize
Okay, not every CEO has a mistress.  In the case of old LIPA-suction head, Richard Kessel the extra need was probably for more fatty fast food for that fat f**k!  And who knows what current head Kevin (above the) Law needs?
The amazing part of this story is that the utilities who offer this balanced budget scheme may also lower the monthly amount for a while.
The best example I lived through was a few years back when the budget was raised 4 months in, lowered 2 months later, raised back higher in 2 months and then lowered for the last 2 months.  BUT if they had kept the starting amount for the entire budget we would have been within $10 at the end of the year!  Incredibly stupid!!!
So how do you budget when two of the utilities you must pay are constantly changing the amount you owe to suit some whim?
Well frankly you don’t!
And if you err and pay the originally budgeted for  lower amount expect to spend a few hours on the phone trying to get a human to speak with who may or may not have the intelligence or wherewithal to help you.  It may be better to just pay the bill and the extra charges and chalk it up to helping the economy.
After all when we pay these fat cats more money they make larger profits and therefore pay more in taxes, right?
Oh wait, no they don’t.
I just remembered the Bush tax shelter aka tax cut gift to the rich is still in effect.
So I guess the phrase ‘balance budget’ means bend over, get you balance, grab your ankles and let the big corporations do whatever they like.
Okay boys and girls, class dismissed.

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