Saturday, February 28, 2009

Late Season Carole

Jindal balls, Jindal balls, Jindal has big balls
His ideas should all be placed down where the cockroach crawls - OH

Bobby J, Bobby J Bobby J's a jerk
If his party wins again we'll all be out of work

Daschle's way to go
Will bring the country low

The GOP with loot
Are all just friends of Newt

I saved the best for last
Rush should be in the past
For judgment we should push
Have Limbaugh kiss our tush - OH

Jindal balls, Jindal balls, Jindal is an ass
But hopefully as the bible says
Of his group it too shall pass.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Defense Spending in DC

The Washington Redskins signed free-agent defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to a ridiculous $100 million over 7 years.
Is he really worth that kind of money in this economy? Is anyone worth that kind of money???
I mean it's not like he's the CEO of a failed bank!!!

Thursday, February 26, 2009


Earlier this week a concerned citizen from Long Island wrote a letter to Newsday complaining that the Post cartoon showing a dead chimpanzee was not a racial slur against President Obama.
She correctly commented that President G W Bush was also compared to a chimp but that there was no outrage or cries of racism at that time.

I totally agree with this lady and hereby wish to add my support
to her cause. How dare we as human beings on this planet commit such a disgusting outrage.

I therefore believe that I speak for millions of Americans when I say I am sorry and I hereby apologize to any chimpanzee out there who was offended by the comparison to George W Bush.
It was unfair and it will not happen again!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

What's Your Caption?

"No, no I'm pretty sure it's half full!"

What is actually going on in this Associated Press photo:
Milwaukee Archbishop Timothy Dolan, left, celebrates mass in New York Monday with the cleric he is succeeding in the high-profile post, Cardinal Edward Egan.
(Thanks to The Wall St. Journal for the fodder father.)

Thursday, February 19, 2009


In a bit of irony whenever I wish to write another tidbit of my thoughts on-line I do so by placing what is called a "New Post." But this time my post is about the old Post. As in the same old Post.

I am speaking of the rag known as the NY Post although if I were the Mayor I would ask them to remove the NY from their name.

This rag has not changed in all the years it has perpetrated its ugly opinions on the public and still has not figured out how to be anything but moronic.

A tragedy is generally not funny. A near tragedy can be amusing if viewed in a certain way using intelligence, a trait the NY Rag does not possess.

For example: When geese caused the US Air flight into the Hudson there were accolades for the crew and jokes about the NEAR tragedy all over the place including one on this blog. Of course even in that case some were probably offended but there was no inherent hatred behind the humor.

However the cartoon run by the rag that shows the chimpanzee shot dead by police with a caption about a failed bailout is a poor attempt at humor and a blatant racial attack on the President. And naturally it ignores the fact that a woman is fighting for her life as a result of the incident while another one mourns the loss of her pet / family member.

In these tough economic times we are all looking for a way to cut back on expenses. With the internet and cable TV providing us with constant 24/7 news and sports coverage there is really no need to waste a penny on this sham of a paper. Show your outrage not by commenting on them but by ignoring them. Do not allow them into your home and perhaps they will go away.

I have always loved the way we use acronyms to juxtapose hidden meanings for groups but here is one that is not only out in the open it is very apropos:
Post And THE Tremendously Inane Cartoon (PATHETIC)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mules are People Too

There’s an old story about an evil man who wanted to get rid of his old mule. “All it does is bray all the time.”

He took the mule far away from his property and dropped it off only to have the animal find its way back home. He stopped feeding the mule but somehow it found enough food on its own to survive. Finally the evil man threw the mule down a deep dried up well but the mule continued to bray and bray. And the sound was even more annoying since it was now accompanied by an echo.

The man decided the only way to finish the job was to bury the mule and be done with the problem. So he loaded his truck with dirt from all over his farm and with shovel in hand he began to fill the hole.

When the first bit of dirt fell onto the mule it shook itself clean and stepped to the side. Then it stepped back with the second fall of dirt. Each time the man shoveled more dirt onto the mule it shook itself clean and stepped to the side. Soon there was enough newly shoveled dirt to all but fill the hole and the mule merely stepped out and walked away, braying.

The tale ends there but an alternate PETA ending has the evil man getting so upset that he has a heart attack and dies while the mule goes to Hollywood where it does a sequel to ‘Francis Goes to West Point’ and earns millions.

The story is a parable to the struggles we are facing today. The hole is our current economic meltdown and the mule is America. We have dug ourselves a deep hole with shovels full of corporate greed and failed economic policies taking the ground from under our feet. The nay-sayers are complaining that President Obama is going to bury us in debt for years to come by pouring vast amounts of money into the pit. But our country is resilient and little by little we will use the money to climb out of our hole and free ourselves once again.

Will the stimulus package work? Only time, commitment and lots of money will tell. But we have one thing going for us; Americans can be as stubborn as mules.

Monday, February 16, 2009

As Seen in Newsday!

Newsday printed the following piece I submitted along with my photo. (No photo appears on the on-line version but if you're interested they used my 'Facebook' shot.) It represents my first 'By-Line' and is entitled "Stimulus Plan Breeds IMBYism." You may view the original on-line or read it here:

With the economy in the dumps, even the dumps become desirable.

People are scrounging around for whatever they can get their hands on without laying out too much money - or any for that matter. Discarded items aren't even making it to the local sanitation plant. They're being picked up by opportunistic individuals looking to recycle your castaways into their layaways.

It's a sad win-win scenario that's becoming all-too-common everywhere. But there's an upside, I guess: I no longer have to call for "special pickup."
Washington has attempted to come up with a plan to stimulate job and business growth, but they've been stymied by special interest groups who naturally want a piece of any pie being baked - even if only half so.

In the past, when there was a plan to build an alternative energy plant, or even just an upgrade to a currently used energy plant, the cry from every neighborhood was "Not in My Back Yard!"

This NIMBY mentality was loudly voiced by the public, but only quietly echoed by the elected officials of the complaining districts. The representatives realized that new plants could bring in revenue, and possibly even a bit of prosperity.

But the playing field has been altered now. The new cry is IMBY!

The debate in D.C. over the stimulus package has garnered more lobbyists trying to tack on an IMBY clause or two. And their local public is coming on board. That's better than seeing the taxpayers' money go to the same group of CEOs that caused the meltdown in the first place. And to make matters worse, some of the companies that are slated to receive the TARP funds are multinational ones, and most certainly not IMBY.

While no one plan can please everyone, it's clear that the entire country is in need of assistance. Everyone's back yard could use a leg up, and if Washington could stop bickering publicly and get down to the job at hand privately, maybe we will finally see some help.

One area talked about a lot is the alternative energy sector. Every neighborhood in America, and especially here on Long Island, would benefit from the emergence of a new homegrown industry that isn't under the control and whim of the OPEC nations and their ilk.

A reduced dependence on foreign oil would also have the added long-term benefit of reversing carbon emissions - cleaning the air we breathe and slowing global warming.

So I hereby offer to have solar panels placed on my property, although I would want them on my roof rather than in my back yard.

Intelligent leaders should embrace a new mantra: "Industry must be ecologically constructive in lean economy."

Unfortunately the acronym for this new initiative would be IMBECILE, but then, what's in a name?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Another TV Re-Run

This is an addendum (make that Adden-Dumb! since I am going to be talking about Republicans) to my story about TV and the World

The stimulus bill that is trying to make its way through congress to help every citizen of America is having a great deal of trouble doing so. The reason is the Grand Obstructionist Party (GOP) and their posturing ways.

The latest is a continuation of all the talking points they have been spewing ever since they lost the White House and so many seats in Congress. One after the other is saying that the Democrats are just not listening to them. "If they would just take our plan and use it things would be better but the Democrats refuse to listen to us."

First of all that is a bold faced lie. The fact is the Democrats cannot help but listen to them because they don't shut up! But they aren't actually saying anything. Telling us they have a plan is not a plan. For the sake of the country and the world please shut up and start doing something. We pay you way too much money to be logjams! Your job is one thing and one thing only - Governance. Do your job or retire to the lobby position you have had your eyes on your entire political life.

They ruled the country for two terms under the most inept President we have ever had and nearly ruined the world. That brings me to the final TV show reference - EIGHT IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Jail is a Jail

California is experiencing a tremendous overcrowding problem in their prisons. As a result there is a push to release as many as 57,000 inmates who are currently being crammed into converted gymnasiums. With over 170,000 prisoners currently guests of the State (normal capacity should be around half that) California's already stretched budget is almost at the breaking point.
However there is a court battle between state and federal officials over the issue. California is loathe to release dangerous criminals back into the general population and will not do so without a fight.

I hereby offer a solution-

Send the excess prison population to Guantanamo!

This would not only cure the overcrowding in their jails but also recycle a soon to be closed facility.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ponzi Primer

Okay class, today's lesson is about the Ponzi.

A Ponzi scheme is a scam. The person who starts it offers a hopeful investor a ‘better than market’ rate of return and then more importantly delivers, at least at first. By using his own money he reels in a naturally greedy investor by giving him back the original investment plus more after a short period of time. He says he will continue doing this and if the original ‘mark’ takes the bait the scam is off and running. Others find out and invest hoping for similar profits. A straight face by the scammer and a good economy allows the fraud to continue. The Ponzi can thus grow to ridiculous levels as in the Madoff fraud.
However if too many people demand their money back at the same time the scheme falls apart because the money does not exist anymore. The scammer must find and trick enough new investors to join so he can to pay the old investors. But the longer the scam exists the harder that is to do.

The stock market also asks you to invest your money in the hopes of higher returns but you only get those higher returns if others invest after you and send the price of the stock higher. That price is arbitrary and is determined by many factors including a perceived value of future worth known as a ‘Mark.’ The ‘Mark to Market’ method of valuing a stock is used to determine the future price of an investment. Mark to Market is, anthropomorphically speaking the “Man behind the Curtain” to whom you should not pay attention.

Hmmm, this sounds vaguely familiar, doesn't it?

A bank asks you to deposit money in return for more money back later. The more money part is known as interest. Banks are able to give you interest by loaning your money out to others and charging them higher rates in return. In other words the banks are ‘middle men’ between your money and a needy borrower. Bookies call the difference between what they get vs. what they give you the 'vig' but banks just call it business. You are not upset as long as you end up with more than you started.
So in simple terms the banks need new money in order to pay back older investors.

Wait a second, this sound familiar also, right?
Right! That's because they are all Ponzi schemes.

The difference between these three Ponzi schemes is that the Government does not regulate the first one and therefore they do not get a 'vig.' But as we have learned the hard way we can lose money no matter which scheme we invest in. So before investing in anything class do your own research and be diligent.

For crying out loud remember the phrase “Caveat Emptor” (“Let the buyer beware.")
And live by the rule, "If it looks to good to be true…"

Class dismissed.

Phone Bills & Tax Cuts

Many years ago I paid $30 per month for phone service. Then the government did us a favor by chopping up AT&T because it was just too big. We may never know what went on behind the scenes but our leaders broke up the monopoly claiming it would save individuals a great deal of money through competition.
Ever since the breakup the new phone companies have offered promotions and deals guaranteed to save us money. I took advantage of a few of those and my phone bill is now down to just $300 per month.

Throughout my lifetime the mantra of the Republican Party has been tax cuts.
The way to fix the economy is through tax cuts.
The way to a better life is through tax cuts.
The way to security for all Americans is through tax cuts.
The way to a better sex life is through tax cuts.
The Republicans had their way in our government when they held the majority and obstructed the Democrats when they did not. They continue to promote tax cuts as the cure to what ails us now.

And yet at this moment the only thing more costly than my phone bill is my tax bill. Please don't cut my taxes anymore, I can't afford it.

Monday, February 9, 2009

TV's Guide to the World

The world has become a conglomerate of old television shows and each nation or group of people are playing their parts.

The United States has become Robert Young as James (Jim) Anderson in “Father Knows Best.” Whenever something goes wrong in the family everyone turns to him and expects him to do the right thing. Father will fix it. And if you are caught doing something bad, well, “Wait till your father gets home!” Jim is not always right but he has the power and the belief that he is so he acts accordingly.

Great Britain is Jean Stapleton as Edith from “All in the Family” or “Till Death do us Part” as the show was originally called in England. (They had it first but we took it to new heights.) She is the mother figure. She goes along with father even despite her own opinions. If she voices them she does so mostly in private hoping that father will agree and incorporate some of her wishes into his final decision.

Israel is Jerry Mathers as the Beaver, Theodore Beaver Cleaver to be exact. The ‘Beave’ is a great kid who is blessed with above average intelligence and always getting into trouble because his peers hate him. They think he just a big shot. The Beave’s parents (mom and pop noted above) are constantly being asked to get him out of trouble and at times some consider him a ‘cry baby.’ But when all is said and done he is just trying to carve out a niche for himself in the family and in the scary neighborhood of his life.

The Palestinians under whatever terrorist group is controlling them when you read this (currently Hamas) are collectively Ken Osmond as Eddie Haskell as in, “How are you Mrs. Cleaver, Mr. Cleaver? Wonderful day we are having isn’t it?” Eddie is always causing and getting into trouble with dirty tricks played behind the backs of the grown-ups but acting so pure when confronted. He says he is misunderstood and deserves to get help against bullies. In old terms he would be called a creep but give him the power and he can and will be dangerous, hell he already is!

The other Arab countries of the Mid-East are “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight.” At least they are so far and that is lucky for Israel and the world. Okay technically “The Gang…” was not a TV show but it did air on the tube and I think the TV Guide’s blurb about it is quite apropos, “What a waste of money, time, and talent.” These countries could be so much better if they only had a brain.

China is the entire cast of the “Addams Family” in one way or another. Ted Cassidy in his role as Lurch, the scary large butler allowed all the shenanigans to continue around him, commenting only with a growl. He seemed inscrutable, thinking scary thoughts. You would not cross him. Part of the show’s jingle said, “…mysterious and spooky, they’re all together ooky, The Addams Family.” Just don’t try to win them over speaking French – They won’t get it.

North Korea is ‘Number 2’ in “The Prisoner,” a weird entertaining show about oppression and secrecy from the sixties. Patrick McGoohan’s number 6 never escapes from Number 2 no matter what making his life all the more frustrating. You never see number 1 and don’t know what Number 2 wants so he is stuck in the conundrum that is North Korea.

In many ways other than the obvious South Africa could be “The Jeffersons.” Sherman Hemsley as George wants his place in society. He deserves it due to his long hard struggle for respectability. Apartheid is gone as shown by the interracial couple Tom and Helen Willis (Roxie Roker and Franklin Cover.) The show lasted 11 seasons showing they have arrived if not yet fully understood and respected. They will hopefully succeed.

All of Europe is the Ponderosa from “Bonanza.” Each grown up character has his own view but they realize they are connected and must work together despite their differences. Trouble happens only when they venture away from home. But they end up retreating to the safety of the ranch and good old home cooking. Thanks Hop Sing.

Congress has become the entire cast of “F Troop.” The major difference is the show was funny rather than pathetic. The Heckowie Indians of the show got their name when they were misunderstood by a stranger who wanted to know who they were. They answered with the question “Where the heck are we?” And the tribe has been lost ever since. No further analogy needed.

Our intelligence agencies under the Bush administration were more “Maxwell Smart” than Don Adams ever was. They could not prevent the first strike but through their bumbling ways they have been lucky enough to thwart further damage, so far!

Americas CEOs are each Phil Silvers as “Sgt. Bilko.” They speak the sweetest words to Colonel Ford’s wife buttering her up to deflect the Colonel from their real agenda; gaining time to plan their next scam.

Getting all the countries and characters to live together peacefully is a job for Peter Graves as Jim Phelps on “Mission Impossible.” “Good afternoon, Mr. Phelps… Your mission, should you choose to accept it… As always if you fail the secretary will disavow…” In the show the mission was always accomplished but in our world the title is prophetically real, at least so far.

Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!

The Audacity of Toke

Thank goodness Georgina Dickinson the investigative reporter from the British paper ‘News of the World’ was able to break the terrible story about Michael Phelps experimenting with marijuana. And with actual photographic proof of the crime in glorious color on their front page there can be no dispute that it did occur.

It’s time to be vigilant in our quest to stop crime wherever and whenever it rears its ugly head. The clock has finally struck a ding-dong on the bong.

The world can now get back to the business at hand, dealing with the global meltdown of the economy and the huge number of layoffs it has caused.

But wait, Georgina I believe there are still people feeding the pigeons in New York and London and Paris and ...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Of Stones & Men (& Women)

There is an old story about Jesus of Nazareth spotting a crowd stoning a woman for her sins.
The young prophet stops the punishment and standing in front of the woman yells, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly a rock thrown from the back of the crowd strikes the woman dead.
There is silence as Jesus spots the culprit and says, "You know ma, you're really starting to piss me off!"

Obviously that is a joke but what's going on in the world today is most certainly not funny.

And whether or not you believe in her right to that stone the admonition was and still is a good one. But that old scene has been altered into a modern day farce that is being played out in Washington DC.

The sin we are trying to stone is the colossal collapse of the World's economy. Unfortunately there does not appear to be anyone, ANYONE who deserves the task of casting that first stone!

From Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg (remember when that was her name?) to Tom Daschle with side trips to Killefer and good old Bill Richardson it is becoming evident that the entire Washington crowd has reason to drop their stones. Perhaps they don't realize that April 15th happens every year.

Even newly confirmed and slightly embarrassed Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner had the stones to admit he forgot to pay some of his taxes.
As with all of the above Mr G. has since made amends with the IRS.

Maybe a good way to close our deficit would be to nominate every Senator and Representative to an admi
nistration position. Think about it!

It is time for our young President to step up to the cameras and in front of the economic disaster and ask the crowd, "Is there anyone here who is without sin?"

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Economic Climate - Hazy Followed by, Uh Haze

You might as well wet your finger and hold it up in the wind to check both the weather and the economy these days. I have always complained about the weather people and how they get away with being wrong so often and still have a job but they are not the only ones these days.

Listen to any financial broadcast and you will be amazed at the number of different right opinions
you will hear. Forget partisan politics the so-called financial experts cannot agree on what the country needs to get it back on track!

hile the Republicans are all repeating whatever Rush Lamebrain or Schmuck Hannity are telling them to say the pundits on CNBC; MSNBC and all the rest are spewing their own versions of the absolute guaranteed fix to what ails us. If just half of them were right we would already be on the road to recovery instead of looking at a lost year worse than Ray Milland's weekend! And the funny, not in the ha-ha sense of the thing is they are all partially right.

You see the problem is not going to be fixed with a single policy change. No magic bullet exists that can turn eight years worth of ruinous governance int
o the boom years of the Clinton era. We need rather a shotgun approach.

The major problem is that we will not get a concerted effort on the part of the lawmakers in Washington because they all have their own agendas and they all have secure jobs, at least for now. The only current leader who is on the clock at this moment is President Obama because no matter what he does he cannot hold his office past 2016. But the obstructionists in Congress may be where they are for life.

Just like the
weatherman who could easily predict sunny and 75 degrees in New York for tomorrow and still be smiling on the TV on Saturday when they give the latest forecast!

Perhaps we could ask the people of those two professions to switch places. I don't see how either could do a worse job than they are doing now and maybe they could be better!

CEO Speak

On CNBC this morning Mr. "doom and gloom" David Faber had a short 'one on one' interview with Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler about his company's current takeover of Wyeth Pharmaceuticals. They discussed the deal and what it has done to the Pfizer stock price.

Mr Kindler felt that non-operational causes hurt the stock. And the lowering of the dividend did not help either but he couldn't be concerned about one week's worth of performance. They lowered that dividend to gain cash for the deal. He also felt that the future was bright.

All in all Mr. Kindler was upbeat and was incredibly easy to understand due to his vast usage of simple language for the everyday man and woman.

This exchange between him and Mr. Faber is the best example of why Mr. Kindler is where he is and getting the big bucks:

Faber: Now unfortunately as part of this (the Wyeth takeover) there are going to be layoffs, correct?

(Pretty straight forward question, asked in English.)

Kindler: Yes, unfortunately that's true and uh we've uh identified uh about $4 billion in synergies and a lot of that is unfortunately going to come from head count reductions that we're going to be required to make in the combined company.

(Clear as mud, don't you think?)

I had always thought synergy was a good thing. I was wrong.
Head count reduction? Does that mean he is going to have to cut back on his extra-marital activities?
Going to be required. By whom, the people you are going to lay off Mr. Kindler?

Please use English not CEO speak once in a while sir.

Businesses need their workers in the same way a lioness needs buffalo. The difference is when a lioness is hungry there is no confusing her intent.