Hey everyone, guess what, I own General Motors.
Well I own one - 306,569,713 th of the company. This is according to current estimates of the US population before the Census updates the number later this decade.
As a part owner in the failed company I share in the shame and would like to state that I had no idea how badly the company was being run. I did not realize that while the rest of the world was making smaller more economical cars and selling the Hell out of them that my over-sized gas-guzzling monstrosities would fall out of favor.
I could not find the words to describe my dismay. And of course since I didn't know the words I hummed. And that brings me to one of my favorite models, the Hummer. When I first test drove this ridiculous vehicle the dealer boasted that it could drive up the side of a one-story building. His pride diminished a bit when I asked, "You get a lot of call for that on Long Island do you?"
Government Motors is being saved so that the vast number of union members do not join the rest of us on the unemployment line. Of course the cost to keep them off the line is dramatically high and as a part owner I have mixed emotions.
I would like to unburden myself of those mixed emotions by offering my 1/306,569,713th share in the company to the highest bidder. Anyone interested please contact me quickly - I could use the cash.
(PS - In the time it took to write this there were 8 more Americans born so the above number is no longer accurate - Damn you Octo-mom!)