Friday, April 2, 2010

Fools of April

Normally I pick a subject and pen an opinion about it with hopefully a little humor and an eye toward the absurd.  But occasionally there are so many unbelievable things happening at once that is hard to focus on any particular item.  Today is one of those occasions.

Listening to Republicans and their supporters or in many cases their owners speak about the health care bill that was just passed into law is painful.  This chorus is so practiced and their voices so in tune with each other as to make the Mormon Tabernacle choir jealous.  (Right Mr. Romney?)

No matter who, where, or when they speak it is with one mind and one message and even the same words!


Listening to the talking point complaints about how reform will bankrupt the country, or hurt the economy, or kill grandma, over and over and over again is mind boggling and getting very old.

Eventually the country will in fact have another downturn, assuming we can get out of the current one.  But continuously calling for one is like a weatherman calling for snow at the equator.  Sooner or later he will be right but he will miss quite a few beautifully sunny days along the way!
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Is there anyone out there who did not sport a little smile when he heard about the pirate morons who picked on the wrong ship this week?

With the Johnny Depp movies and Disney theme park we romanticize these thugs and hoodlums who are nothing more than scum of the Earth by calling them pirates.  So when this group of below 25 IQ thieves tugged on Superman’s cape they got a well deserved wake up call.

What a great reaction by our Navy as they must have thought, “WTF?”

As they say, it’s not just a job…
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New York’s top court has stopped the use of broad warrants as an excuse to strip search everyone at a location unless that location is known to be a devoted to crime area.

In a rebuttal the RNC asked to have a codicil added that strip searches may still be used at fund raising events.
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In a move that would surely have made Richard Nixon and his Watergate co-conspirators proud the Vatican is attacking the New York Times for reporting on the Church sex scandals.  However the magnanimous Pope stated that if the Times promises to stop they will be absolved of all sins against the Church as long as they print seven “Our Fathers” and three “Holy Mary’s” before putting the next edition to bed.  (Way to attack the messenger and not tackle the problem sir!)
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The New York Football Giants announced to day that they have already relocated the body of James Hoffa into an undisclosed location under the new Meadowlands stadium.

An anonymous spokesperson said, “We wish to keep the mystery alive as to beneath which yard line the old Teamster boss is buried.”

Former Giants punter, Sean Landetta quipped, “It gives a whole new meaning to kicking into the coffin corner.”
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Once again we are witnessing terrible flooding in a large area of the country.  This time it was the Northeast being deluged by the wet death.  Next time it could be the Mississippi delta or the pacific coast.  When will someone address this issue?

For ages I have been begging for the start of a nationwide system designed to move water.  We could link water mains across the country to pump the overflow from rivers and streams away from populated exposed areas.  The water could be directed to places we deem in need or merely into the ocean.

It is often true that when one area is experiencing rampaging rivers swollen by record rainfalls another area is asking residents not to water their lawns due a debilitating dry spell.

The other part of the potential win-win scenario of building this system is that it would take many years and create many, MANY jobs that cannot be outsourced to Asia!
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It has long been said by the optimists that when one door closes another opens.  Well the doormen of Manhattan are threatening to close the doors for a long time as they plan on striking shortly.  What will the people of that island do?  How can they survive without a uniformed man holding the door for them?  Will their pristine palms actually be asked to touch a doorknob?

Oh the humanity!

There are always two sides to every story and I for one do not wish to see anyone else lose their job.  But the workers who may strike are asking for more money, (surprised?) from the building owners who are probably hiding more money than we will ever know.

The facts may never come out but talk about bad timing.  The nationwide unemployment numbers are at 9.7% and tens of millions of people are looking for jobs.  The significance of this should not be lost that the cost of the knobs of snobs may rise in the high rises of canyons of champions.

Obviously the buildings need security and the residents pay more expecting it but at what point does it become absurd?  When the bejeweled hands of the mother of one are laden with packages as she enters her building on the way to her penthouse duplex abode why not have the nanny, who is dutifully pushing the stroller that carries the scion to open the door?  It seems ever so proper, don’t you think?
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And finally sources inside the spring training camp of the New York Mets confirm that two of the players on the team are actually in shape and appear to be without any injuries!

The team doctors are unsure how this happened but promise to rectify this problem once the season begins.  According to an unnamed assistant in the front office confidence is high.  “I feel certain we can have 100% of the team’s regulars on the injured reserve by May.”

It is comforting to know that before the season even gets under way the team mantra is already, “Wait till next year.”

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