Saturday, April 24, 2010

A Chicken a Day?

Move over 'MSRP.'  We are about to have a new edition addition to that time honored standard price listing.
The best selling author of this soon to be released publication will not be of the caliber of Grisham or Clancy but more in the vein of Stephen King.
I am speaking of a new standard substitute pricing bible for the health care industry.
No longer will you have to bring your insurance card or your wallet for that matter to the doctor's office.  No need to spend hours filling out forms before even being allowed to state the reason for your visit.  Simply drop off the edible legal tender in the newly revised medical refrigeration area and have a seat in the waiting room.  The doctor will be with you shortly.
Some consider this move a gamble so it is fitting that it was originally suggested by Senate hopeful Sue Lowden of Nevada.  When asked if she was serious Ms. Lowden not only repeated her stance but 'doubled down,' doing it with a poker face worthy of her Texas Hold 'em friend, the secessionist Rick Perry.
The soon to be standard for doctor visits will likely include easy to understand formulas such as:
Doctor Visit = One 3 lb. bag of apples (Quite appropriate.)

A southern edition may a substitute a pecan pie but it must be fresh and feed at least 4 grown individuals.
Certain medical specialties are wrestling with possible conflicts of interest when it comes to reimbursement by methods other than the traditional cash or check.  Among these are proctology, where some have suggested a stuffed turkey as apropos compensation and of course gynecology. (This one kind of gives tipping a new and interesting function.)
Group compensation may be tailored to fit the needs of both provider and patient.  For example a doctor for a sports team may be afforded a sky box at the stadium.  Naturally teams that do not fare as well on the field may have to sweeten the pot with complimentary meals and beverages.  Last place teams may wish to revert to cash.
As an added benefit to the new practice Americans may save on energy costs as they will now be able to go directly from their grocer to the doctor.  Naturally they will have to bring a bit more food in case there are complications but need not worry about leftovers as all doctors will provide complimentary doggie bags.
Doctors will start making things easier for their current and potential patients by registering with local merchants.  You the customer will then be able to search the web for the doctor whose interests most match your own thus making small talk during visits more relevant.
But while the health care industry is becoming far more expensive these days and therefore in focus I don't think we should stop there.
Cash is overrated; credit card companies concur.  And since we only use cash to purchase goods and services later anyway why not cut out the middle man completely?
Let's start paying our politicians with goods and services now.  Luckily we won't have to change things all that much since many of them are already being serviced as we speak.
And once we figure out all the possible substitute payment plans we can finally get rid of another huge problem in this country, banks that are too big to fail!
I guess when you take this idea to its logical conclusion it is sublime and subtly simplistic.  It is genius.
Author - Author!
Forget the Senate - 
Sue Lowden for President!

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