“Welcome back for another round of TW3. I’m your host, Ken Ahora and along with my co-host, Al Takaka we are going to review the events of the week gone by before it is bygone.”
“Isn’t it already bygone?”
“By golly it is gone, but not forgotten. And lest we do forget ladies and gents TW3 looks at the news. (Apologies to Dan and Dick.)”
“The top story this week that trumped every other item in the world as far as the American news media was concerned was the lead story in the NY Times.”
“And it had nothing to do with Britney Spears!”
“Right, the Times reported this week that Senator John McCain may have had an illicit affair with one of his staffers during his failed 2000 campaign for the presidency.”
“Wasn’t that the campaign in which he was winning before false rumors and innuendos were spread and propagated from the mind and mouth of Karl Rove, the most evil underhanded political hack and personal advisor friend to the current President Bush?”
“Uh, don’t hold back, Al let us know how you really feel. Anyway, since the staffer was also a lobbyist Senator McCain’s stance against special interest groups was brought into question. A spokesman for the decorated war hero stated that the Senator will stick to his guns. He went on to say that, “Senator McCain has not changed his position about such groups at all and he will continue to screw lobbyists in his own way.””
“That’s right, Ken and I understand that since making that statement donations have been pouring into the McCain camp’s campaign coffers as older men and the Pfizer Company have made significant contributions. Viva McCain!”
“Viva indeed! Former President Bill Clinton was asked, “Is it true that you also sent in a small sympathy donation after reading the Times expose?” The President merely answered, “That depends on what the definition of is is.”
“Switching to local news for a moment there was a small item from Long Island this week as it was reported that the Brookhaven Town pool renovation was finally finished.”
“And that affects me how, Al?”
“Indirectly, Ken. You see the project was projected to cost $85,000 because all that was needed was the replacement of some tiles. But supposedly there were other problems and one thing led to another and $7.1 million later the pool is back open for business.”
“What? $85M became $7.1 million? Are you saying that the local politicians could only graft $7.1 million? They’ll never make it on the national scene.”
“I knew you’d understand, Ken.”
“In Iraq a female suicide bomber was spotted by the Iraqi police force and shot before she could set herself off. Unfortunately she stumbled into a local store and in fact did cause the death of 3 people while wounding 8 others.”
“I’m confused, Ken. I read the same story in U.S. papers and according to our government there were no injuries other than the woman herself.”
“It sort of makes you wonder, doesn’t it Al.”
“It really does. Maybe we should question our leaders. Nah.”
“Nationally more and more people defaulted on loans this week. This has led to an increase in business for the dreaded ‘Repo Man’. This property bounty hunter seeks out items bought on borrowed money and turns them into borrowed time items. For example if you cannot make your car payments the Repo Man comes and takes back the vehicle.”
“I understand that many younger people were also caught in the credit crunch and defaulted on their student loans.”
“Correct, Al. And the industry is looking into a new tactic to reclaim their losses. Entitled ‘The Flowers for Algernon Repo Man, or FARM they will come and remove all your unpaid for knowledge.”
“Hey, Then you could get a job in DC.”
“Or on Fox News.”
"In what some would say is the worst kept secret of our time Ralph Nader's ego has determined that now would be a good time for this once relevant man to throw his hat in the ring for the Presidency. Quickly becoming the Pat Paulson of the modern era Mr. Nader is once again hoping to screw up someone's chances of winning the highest office in the land."
"And he doesn't care who that person is, does he?"
“No he does not. And finally it was reported this week that Fidel Castro, one of the most controversial leaders of our time will finally be stepping down as supreme ruler and dictator of Cuba. There was rejoicing in the streets of Miami where there is a large Cuban population and in the home of the soon to be crowned new supreme leader and dictator, Raul Castro.”
“Raul has not yet been confirmed.”
“True but I’m just saying… And at 76 Raul is a full 5 years younger than his brother. Analysts are looking for a smooth transition from one evil doer to the next. And this just in, what a surprise, Raul has been confirmed as the new opressor of Cuba. Bravo Raul.
Anyway, that’s our show for now. That was the week that was – It’s over let it go - Oh, what a week that was - That was the week that was."
“Goodnight everybody. Stay tuned for Jack Paar.”