The Twinkie Offense

You may remember the infamous ‘Twinkie Defense’ of Dan White in 1979. Mr. White’s attorney claimed that his client was not guilty of the murders he committed by reason of biological factors related to eating Twinkies! I will not waste space here but you should look it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twinkie_defense as it is another great example of how the guilty can go free. (If the Twinkie’s for me – I gotta go free, right OJ?) Well perhaps it’s time for a reverse revival of that type of thinking.
The airlines are bleeding fuel money and have made so many cutbacks without any give-backs that passengers don’t know which way to turn. Our government is typically no help. They refused to allow that ‘passenger bill of rights’ intended to force airlines to treat passengers as humans. After boarding planes on time then sitting on the runway for hours, passengers were to be afforded clean water and air as well as some food and working toilet facilities.
American Airlines is now charging passengers $15 for their first piece of luggage on every flight. The cost goes up for the second bag. And if either bag is over fifty pounds you are assessed a surcharge. And don’t try to get around the fees by carrying your bag on because the TSA agent will confiscate your toiletries and any other item normally stowed as a risk to the safety of the flight. You would be amazed how powerful a bomb you can make with toothpaste and hair gel.
Naturally the TSA agents throw away the items they steal from you, right? Hah!
Note to airlines re possible money making scheme, sell confiscated items in duty free shops.
So your flights no longer provide meals for free; they charge for any luggage you need; you cannot get there from ‘any here’ without a lay-over; and you must walk barefoot through the security checkpoints.
The airlines have seemingly made all the cutbacks they can but are still looking for ways to make a profit.
Enter the Twinkie Offense.
The airlines will soon weigh passengers as well as their luggage. Let’s face it America is obese. Our nation is sweet on sweets and sour on salads. It’s time to pay for pounds.
Don’t believe we are an overweight nation? Ask anyone who has had the pleasure of sitting in the middle seat for a six-hour flight. My son was once forced to share his seat with a woman whose butt was as big as a Butte, the Montana kind. (Talk about big sky country, this lady blocked the sky! When she sat around the plane, she sat around the plane. Ba dum bum.)
In front of all check-in counters the airlines currently have a metal frame that you use as a measurement for allowable carry-on pieces. (You must be this tall to get on this ride.) They will soon also have a typical airplane seat with a scale. If your butt cannot fit within the seat edges you must buy the seat next to you. If you fit within the confines of the seat but are overweight according to government standards of health then you must pay an ‘excess fuel need’ surcharge. A dollar per pound up to the cost of an extra ticket would suffice.
Airlines could then run specials. “Overweight but can’t wait? Try our twenty for the price of ten special.” Return flights on Thanksgiving weekend would prove a boon for the airlines. They would probably make enough money to start serving food on flights again.
Twinkies anyone?