Thursday, January 13, 2011

I'm Cancer Free - Sort Of - But still Crabby!

I never EVER believed in the absolutely ridiculous idea that the stars ruled our lives but the Zodiac was always fun nevertheless.
I mean what college student didn't use the line, "So what's your sign?"
Okay so I may have been in the minority but you get the point, it was an ice-breaker.
In fact I once used it to get a date!  Seriously.
I was feeling kind of low after being dumped by a particularly moronic girl who obviously couldn't see past her nose.  I decided to go to one of those psychology student run events that offered wine and cheese to the male losers of society who for various reasons were stag on Saturday night and looking for love in all the places, right or wrong.
I really wasn't in the mood to pick up a female or even be with one for that matter but cheap wine, cheese and music for a college student was not to be turned down.
As I sat sipping some slightly watered down wine wolfing down cheese and crackers I spied a melancholy muse, a kindred solitary soul sitting silently on the floor.
She was attractive but aloof; alone but unavailable.
Clearly she was mixed up to be at a a mixer unwilling to mix.
But I realized she was just like me.  This was a troubled soul sadly alone and wanting nothing more than to stay that way.
I watched as one kid after another tried his luck at wooing her away from her lonely perch to no avail.
Suddenly it occurred to me, her current crabby condition showed she was not only a kindred spirit she was my Zodiac equivalent, she was a cancer, a Moon Child born late June to early July.
Armed with my new found but unproven knowledge I sauntered over to a spot on the floor next to her.
I sat but did not speak.
We sat together but alone; mute as the minutes mounted.
Finally I felt her  turn to gaze at me.  I knew that she was wondering what was wrong with this latest male would-be suitor, this Harpo harpy hovering here beside me.
I turned her way and merely said, "You're a Cancer, aren't you?"
Her face jolted back a bit and she smiled.  "How did you know?"
We stayed there only a few more minutes before leaving for coffee, snack and, uh well other things.
Hey, it was the seventies!
But that's all changed now.
Oh the humanity!
With the addition of a new Zodiac Sign all bets are off until the geniuses who ply their absurd tales decide which signs should go with what behavior.
It seems as though the culprit in this universal musical chairs is none other than our moon.
The constant tug of our local lunar orb that is responsible for the tides coming in and going out (that piece of scientific information known to all children in kindergarten is for Bill O'Reilly) also exerts a pull on the Earth sufficient enough to move the entire planet!
In fact we have been moved enough to warrant a 13th sign of the Zodiac.
The newcomer has been named Ophiuchus.  Not as catchy a name as Leo or Virgo perhaps but fittingly as hard to spell as its neighbor Sagittarius.
The entire new list appears directly below:
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

You'll note that Ophiuchus has been placed in the innocuous position between 'post' Thanksgiving and 'pre' Winter Solstice.  I guess they hope to make as little a stir as possible.
And check out Scorpio!  It's only six days long???
I mean you have to feel as though you won a lottery if you' re a Scorpio!  Being born a Scorpio will almost be as rare as having a February 29th birthday!   Although Scorpios will still age one year per occurrence unlike their leap year cousins.
And best of all I am now a twin! That's right, I am Gemini!  Woo woo.
I suggest college students and other singles out there who still frequent singles bars but do not have any collegiate letters on their sweaters learn the new dates for each sign and bone up on their own horoscopes before heading out this weekend.
Oh, and as for that girl I picked up with my line at that mixer, she turned out to be sad because her wife (not that there's anything wrong with that, seriously!) was away on business for a few days and she was lonely..
Yup, back then I had a knack for finding just the right girl for me!
Still we had a very enjoyable night but I never saw her again.
I wonder if she's still a Cancer!

4 comments:

train buddy said...

Your story would have been great if it ended with "I married her". Hope your wrist is feeling but. From the length of your rants I'm going to assume you have some mobility.

Cousin Bruce said...

Believe it or not I am typing completely one-handed! It is quite frustrating and takes a bit longer than normal. And at my age that's bad because I tend to forget what I want to say by the time I get half way through with, uh, with, um - where was I?
The pain is still there but a little less each day. I actually almost slept through the night yesterday. Weaning off pain pills now so I can measure healing process - thanks for asking!
And as always, thanks for the comment!
Regards to you and all my former friends, if you see them.

Cousin Bruce said...

Another comment from the shy one of East Meadow:

Somehow, I don't think The Dawning of the Age of Ophiuchus will ever be a hit song! Remind me never to have you as a wing man, if I am ever single.

Thanks for the comment to Dan S. from the retired wing man of Long Island!

Anonymous said...

Instead of Ophiuchus it should just read Ophuchus! Whoever believes in this stupidity in the first place?
Do people really think that some object way off in the sky even cares about us let alone exerts power over us & tries to affect our lives? Oh wait, I just described a whole other group of deluded people - ones who call themselves religious!
So the new sign should be OphuchME!