Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Another Cheek to Turn

How many cheeks must a customer turn before he's allowed to just be?
And why aren't things that don't cost anything never just given for free?
And how can the banks who were gifted so much be stingy with every penny?
The answer dear voter lies in Congressional halls
The answer's within those great white walls.

After giving such wonderfully philanthropic individuals such as Jamie Dimon billions of dollars to get their businesses back on track they return the favor by introducing new and exciting fees and raising old ones.
Now perhaps I shouldn't be so mean to the institution since they just hired me to work for them!
That's right, as of now I work for J P Morgan Chase!!
Unfortunately it's not really a full time job and there's no compensation or benefits per se but I am employed by the bank nevertheless.
I can even take time off and go on vacation if I like because my job will still be there upon my return.
So what kind of great job did I land with this billion dollar going concern?
What position do I hold and just what are my duties?
Actually the position I hold is 'bent over.'  And if you are lucky enough to be a customer of J P Morgan Chase then you too now bend over for them!
You see we all recently received a missive explaining how that bank's board of directors wishes to have all of us to do their dirty work.
I know most people think that the money they deposit into a bank is theirs but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  (Shouldn't that be further father?)
You see for the privilege of allowing you to place your money in the hands of a Mr. Dimon et al for him to do with as he pleases you must wade through a sea of penalties should you fail to follow their rules.
Some of the rules make perfect sense and nobody can complain about them.
For example if you bounce a check then you must pay a fee, even if you have "overdraft" protection.  Because as with all insurance that one comes with a hefty cost.
So while your check will be 'unbounced' you will find yourself bouncing off the walls at the extra charges.
The fees are enough of a deterrent to make most people keep a proper amount of cash in Jamie Dimon's hands so as to not go through the monetary scolding.
But now the bank has instituted new and exciting fees.
If someone gives you a check and you deposit it in your account but that check bounces then not only does the issuer get punished but you get charged as well.
Go ahead and read that last sentence again, I'll wait.
J P Morgan Chase now charges $12 per item IF SOMEONE ELSE'S CHECK BOUNCES!
When I inquired if this was an error I was informed that it is now up to me to do a credit check on every one who gives me money to make sure their checks are good!
In other words I now work for the bank!
So these bastions of bastards who did the world wrong and LOST US our economic futures and got bailed out by our tax payer dollars get to turn customers into slave laborers.
And by the way, when you visit an ATM do not try to find out how much money you have left in your account because they now charge a buck for that information.
Of course the public relations arm of these thieves will tell you that they lowered other fees and some charges but seriously if you believe that I need to talk to you about this beautiful bridge I want to move.  I'll make you a great deal, promise!
Remember when the consumer had to worry about hidden fees?
Ah those were the good old days!
Now banks are so brazen and emboldened by that bailout that they no longer worry about hiding the excess charges.
It's only a matter of time before saying hello to a teller or bank officer will cost you $10!
But once again we shouldn't complain.  After all they are giving us interest on the money we place in their hands, right?  My account is now compounding at the fantastic rate of 0.1% - ZERO POINT ONE PERCENT!
I figure if I can live past my 7,000th birthday I just might be able to afford a new car.
Of course by then gas prices will be $850 per ounce but that's another story.

Thank goodness the new members of Congress are promising to get the economy rolling again by getting rid of all regulations on our financial institutions.

Way to go guys!
Let me know when that gets done so I can ask Jamie for a raise!


Cousin Bruce said...

And the beat goes on - One day after writing this love letter to the scum that is our banking industry it was reported that most if not all credit card issuers will be adding membership fees as well as other charges TO DEBIT CARDS!
Debit cards are pieces of plastic that when used immediately rob you of any cash in the account to which they are linked. They are the closest thing to cash that exists since they cannot be used if you don't have money backing them up in the bank and therefore work just like a cash withdrawal!!!
In other words the bastards at the banks are now charging you to use your own freaking money!
What a country!

Cousin Bruce said...

The following is from a friend via email:

Regarding your blog - I told everyone that when the govt stopped the hidden fees they would just come up with different fees!!

Thanks Fred of East Meadow for the "DUH" comment of the year (I know the year only a few days old but what the heck!)