Monday, February 15, 2010

Presidential Parting Words and Places

There was a piece on CNN recently about how the living Presidents are being asked to plan their own funerals. It sounds a bit morbid (although I’ll admit I’m excited in anticipation of a couple of cases.)

Anyway I am not sure what they actually will want for their final resting place or lasting words but my take is as follows (and I am including the V.P.s as well.):

Jimmy Carter: "Call my final resting place, 'Habitat for Eternity.'" My tombstone should read, “Lusting No More.”

Geo. W Bush Jr.: "Just clear away some brush and bury me with a Saudi Prince outfit and my favorite book, 'My Pet Goat.'" My tombstone should say, “Mission Finally Accomplished!”

William Bill Clinton: "I could find eternal happiness at the ball field in the Women's College of the University of Denver." My tombstone should read, “I DID NOT HAVE, I mean Party On.”

Al Gore: "Place me in a biodegradable interment at the base of a windmill or solar panel array." My tombstone should read, “Inventor of the Internet; Once the future President of the US; Still doing my part to cool the world!”

George Herbert Walker Bush: "Find me an oil field anywhere as long as I’m not too close to Barbara and bury me in my parachute jumping outfit." My tombstone should read, “I still think Jeb would’ve been better.”

Barack Obama: "Bury me in my beloved homeland of Kenya. (Just kidding - you morons!) My tombstone should read, "Can I change this?"

DICK Cheney: "I would love to be placed inside a torture chamber next to the water-boarding area. (And leave an opening so I can hear the screams, heh heh.”) My tombstone should read, "I'm finally safe from those weak sister Democrats!"

Ronald Reagan: I know he’s dead but his followers make it sound like he’s the 2nd coming so: "Bury me on a horse facing West with a view of the sundown in front of me". My tombstone should read, “Trickle This!” But will actually say whatever Nancy tells him it should.

Walter Mondale: (He’s still alive?) “I kind of like it in Japan so when I finally say Sayonara how about burying me here?” My tombstone should read, “I died? For real?”

Dan Quayle: “Just bury me in a Powtaytoe field.” My tombstone should read, “Never judge a book by its cover. I’m just not that stoopid!”

And finally -

Joe Biden: "I'd like to placed in a caboose that was once used on the Amtrak Acela DC to Wilmington express."
My tombstone should have a photo of me and the words, “I ran for the presidency and had a chance but I lost to a good guy who eventually decided, rightfully so to pick me as his running mate and we went on to win the election and then ran the country for eight years and I was as happy as a pig in, well you get the idea because I can’t say the next word on account of my position in government and it would cause a controversy but if I could say it it would rhyme with fit which is what I always thought I was. And how about that smile of mine? Didn’t I have a great smile? I got that from my dear old mother who lived a long good life and got to see me as vice President under the first black, uh African, uh whatever the hell the right term is we're supposed to use these days? I can't get used to this constant PC crap, can I say crap on my tombstone? Aw hell, I'm dead anyway so... And did I tell you he was a good man? He really was and such a good speaker. Boy I'll tell you when he opened his mouth... (Continued on next tombstone.)

Okay, I know I said finally but just for the fun of it I'd like to add a non-White House entry - At least I hope and pray it will never be a White House entry! Please tell me it won't be!!!

Sarah Palin: "Oh I don't know where I should be buried ya know. I guess wherever the people think I should be laid to rest is the right place for me. (She winks.) But I'd like to be somewhere where I could keep an eye on Russia ya betcha."
"My tombstone? Well, I think it should be a quote from one of the thousands of magazines I read regularly. Ya know, I can't think of one just now but maybe later, okay? Wait - I think it should have the word Patriot somewhere in the quote, ya know? Because that's what I am ya know, a Patriot." (Final wink!)


stefan01 said...

Bruce, I'm glad we met. I didn't get out of Doshi till 4pm! Be safe, and well.

Cousin Bruce said...

Sorry to hear that my friend but I am hopeful the results will be favorable. The world needs more people like yourself if for no other reason than to disagree with me and keep me honest!