Wednesday, May 29, 2013

THIS JUST IN!

Breaking News on the Sports Front:

In a surprise move today the New York Mets announced they will be unloading their star pitcher Matt Harvey to the Yankees in exchange for 5 draft choices, a player to be named later and $17.50 to cover their subway fare.
While full details are not yet available this reporter has learned that the player to be named later is in fact just that as he is not yet born!
However the team is confident he will grow into a fine player and become an integral part of the organization as the Yankees insist he will be from good stock.
The surrogate mom will be impregnated later this year in a private ceremony attended only by close family members and a group from Shake Shack.
Fred Wilpon, NY Met owner and long time friend of Bernie Madoff had been hoping to acquire the rights to Lou Gherig until someone pointed out the former Yankee great had passed away several years ago.
This utterance caused Hal Steinbrenner to storm out of the room muttering that some people should "keep their God damn #*@$& mouths shut!"
Met ownership used the break in talks to sign a different first baseman to a 5 year deal.
Jeff Wilpon was not completely convinced his father had made the right move but he admitted he felt inclined to defer to the experience of age.
"My dad assures me Marvelous Marv Throneberry will be a great asset to the team."
Although they had wanted the former Met to take over for slugging star Ike Davis at 1st base Mr. Throneberry insisted that he was a touch old for that and the team would be far better served if he used as adviser and coach for the youngsters on the team.
Said Fred Wilpon, "With his guidance we are certain the New York Mets can return to the glory days of 1962 and '63."
For those of you too young to remember Marv Throneberry let me set the record straight on a bit of unfair publicity.
As the story goes Marv was so bad that after striking out he got angry, threw his bat down, and missed the ground.
The story is an insult and as false as it is ridiculous. He never threw his bat!
It was his helmet!
After learning who their crosstown rivals had signed the Yankee contingent returned with huge grins and renewed expectations of finishing a great trade.
"I think we can now get this steal, I mean deal, deal done," said young Mr. Steinbrenner fighting back tears of laughter.
A few minutes later the proud Wilpon family emerged from the locked room holding up a signed agreement between the two organizations.
"Some of you have asked why we made this deal.  Well all I can say is we have seen what our team does with so-called stars like (Jose) Reyes, (R A) Dickey and (Nolan) Ryan in the past and we do not wish to keep making the same mistake over and over expecting great things.  That's the definition of stupid you know!  So today we have made a giant step toward fielding a team of 'no names' who will want desperately to succeed as though they were exceptional.
This should make the team far more interesting while endearing ourselves to our loyal fan base.  These fans need to feel good about themselves and what better way to help them do that than fielding a team that they are actually better than?"
Asked about the future of his current star 3rd baseman Mr. Wilpon added, "We signed David (Wright) to a long term contract and until we can find a team willing to take him off our hands we're stuck with him.  Next question?"
Silence ensued and there were no next questions as reporters were stunned by the response and the meeting ended.

1 comment:

Bruce Resch said...

I was going to add that the Mets received 2 third graders inthe deal but that one of them war removed from the deal after throwing an uncontrollable tantrum upon hearing which team chose him!
Forget the wins over the yankees - this team sucks and will continue to do so until the owners sell the team and get out of dodge!