Sunday, February 19, 2012

Ads Don't Always Add Up

Is anyone naive enough to believe that there is or ever was "Truth in Advertising?"
Alice in Wonderland
was fiction you know.
I mean seriously, if ads told the truth about their products the companies that produce the stuff would go the way of the dodo.
(That's an extinct bird that was driven out of existence due to forces beyond the comprehension of any true Republican out there called evolution.)
But since advertisements do still exist we must therefore conclude that they mostly lie!
How many of you have bought cars expecting to get a nice fuel efficient high MPG only to find out the only way to get it would be to have your car towed everywhere!
I could probably have my longest post of all time if I decided to list every product whose attributes are shall we say exaggerated but for the sake of forced brevity I hereby list only a few for your edification and amusement.
Let's start wit an annoying product that you almost have to know will not be as easy to put together as you are told in the ads.
I am speaking of those Easy Closets.  Their ads show average everyday families, some old some young talking about how great and easy the closet installation was.
Why not show what
really happens?
What they don’t show is the part between the designing and the implementation.
On the internet you let your fingers do the walking.  Then you complete the 'easy' project in your home.
Of course you should make sure your health care premiums have been paid and your loved ones know where the nearest ER is located.
Your first few task are getting the HEAVY materials up the stairs, opening the crates, running down to the basement to get the necessary tools to complete the EZ installation and then going back down to get the ones you will REALLY need to complete the installation. Face it the closets are generally for bedrooms which are generally on the second floor of homes.
And once you’ve removed all the items from the boxes you take out the instructions praying they are in English. And I mean understandable English, not the slightly racist rendition known as Chinglish.
Because face it folks America hardly produces anything anymore except billionaires who ship what jobs they can overseas and get paid to do so.  Isn't that right Willard Mitt?  (OR will he admit?)
Oh and by the way, don’t forget the extension cord for your electric drill or screw driver since not too many closets have outlets.
Let’s face it, the product may be the best thing since chocolate but it is certainly not as easy as rolling off a log. They should at least be forced to have a disclaimer as to that fact just like the one drug companies are forced to add.
Uh oh, anyone seen
the toilet paper?
And speaking of drug companies I equate what they leave out of the easy closet promo in their television ads with what is left out of Ex-Lax commercials. You have stomach cramps and take the product and then don’t have stomach cramps. So what transpired in between?
Please no turbulence!
Then there’s that unbelievably annoying moron who floats down the aisle of an airplane touting some fiber concoction specially formulated to help you relieve your insides of nasty bloating stuff? Yeah lady, just what I want to do on an enclosed speeding bullet in the clouds, run and use the coffin-sized vertical tomb known politely as the lavatory, which is invariably occupied when I need it most!
I feel lust-less, anyone
have some testosterone?
And that brings me to the next new ad that can drive you nuts, a drug that can help men who have that brand new made up disease or ailment known, by the marketers and now everyone, as Low T. I first assumed it was the opposite of that delightful afternoon snack so popular in England.
Low T, as the fake concerned voice-over tells us can cause a guy to feel listless or lust less or whatever and make him drag his butt around not wanting to do anything. I always thought a cheap over the counter cure for that was a cup of coffee but I guess I was wrong.
One side thought, if we were to have a program dedicated just to the disclaimers at the end of all drug commercials it would probably have to be a mini-series. Some of the ad contents are 20% talking about the drug and 80% disclaimer warning of its use. And these disclaimers include such inconsequential side effects such as loss of vision; abdominal pain; and death! Yeah, I sure want to take a drug to cure my Low T and put me in a Low 6’ hole!
British P - The gift that
keeps on giving!
And speaking of a deep hole we come to my last, for now favorite ad series on television, the one touting how wonderful BP is for cleaning up the God damned mess they created when their poorly regulated and negligently run oil rig exploded killing many humans, animals and futures.
And he wants HIS life back?
Justice? No jail time but a
bonus and a cushy job.
It’s nice that we have wonderful music and sun filled views of the idyllic gulf coast gracing the screen while a voice over tells of BPs commitment to making the area safe for all.
Has even one corporate person been sent to jail over the murders? Has BP truly paid their debt to society? Does anyone really think they ever will?
Okay I get it, we the people do not have the clout to come after you in court and you will escape scot free to continue raping and pillaging the Earth but do you really have to rub our noses in your glory?
He never knew what hit him!
They say what goes around comes around. Well I’d like to lock the entire board of BP into a newly finished ‘Easy Closet’ then feed them a year’s supply of that Low T drug and some ex-lax while spilling in barrels of refinery oil to see how they enjoy themselves. I have a feeling they might react the same way the former fish and wildlife did.

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