Saturday, March 24, 2012

I'll Get You My Pretty! And Your Little Dog Too!

With their inexorable push toward controlling everything the American public thinks and or does one political party is making a mockery of their self proclaimed nickname, that of ‘smaller government.’

After all when a group says they want smaller government and then attempts to pass laws enabling them to peer into every woman’s vagina in order to keep her reproductive system in check warning bells should blare everywhere!

And they give themselves the subtitle, The Family Values Party!  That's as inane as me calling myself the Supreme Ruler of the Universe (although current polls do have me in the lead.)

But total control is still tantalizingly just beyond their reach. In order to attain this totalitarian feat the Republican Party must do one more important thing, take over all media output.

Fox and affiliates have made incredible inroads in print media; right wing talk radio and of course faux news but more must be done.

Too many people are allowed to watch unrestricted television. And programs such as ‘The Daily Show’ and movies from Hollywood that may depict underdogs winning send messages of hope that could, if continued lead to uprisings.
Occupy groups could even demand fair and balanced government and that would be disastrous for the Republican Party, not to mention their obscenely wealthy backers who own them and direct their movements.

But we the people must be ready for the future, so as a public service I hereby offer a representative glimpse of what to expect from the entertainment industry should the inevitable happen and the 'Right Wing' takes over Hollywood.

Selected excerpts from movies after the Republicans remake some old classics:

Gone With the Wind:

Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn penny to charity! It’s your own fault you’re poor. All poor people made their own beds! (Line now in response to “Rhett, I’ve lost my healthcare insurance! What shall I do?)
I don’t know nothin bout birthin babies ceptin when it happen due to what I does wif my own lawfully wedded husband in the privacy of our own married bedroom and a course only in the missionary position.

Star Wars:

Use the force of restraint Luke, not a condom.


I’m gonna give him a bribe he can’t refuse!
This is just business Sonny, nothing personal. Aw hell, you got me, it’s personal too! I just don’t like you! (Takes out concealed weapon and shoots him.)


We’re gonna need a bigger tax break.

King Kong:

No it wasn’t the planes and bullets that killed the beast it was his desire to marry outside his race.

Back to the Future:

Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads, or any infrastructure repair for that matter. It’s way too costly.

Planet of the Apes:

Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape! (The words are actually the same as the original but the ape will now be played by an Obama look-alike!)

Treasure of the Sierra Madre:

Badges? We don’t need no stinkin badges, just a couple of concealed 45s and some patrol buddies at the border.

ET The Extra Terrestrial:

E T phone home and go home you stinking alien terrorist! We must keep America safe for red blooded God fearing citizens!

Field of Dreams:

If you build it you will pay for it! And you better damn well have a permit!

Jerry Maguire:

Show me the money before I vote for your proposal!

When Harry Met Sally:

I’ll have what she’s having! In fact I’ll have what everyone’s having and then some!
(Many Repubs in Congress actually love Sally because they too like to have a little something on the side!)

Funny Girl:

“…And if I’ve fanned out, I’m still at bat sir, I guess I didn’t make it, bail me out sir, give me money I can take it…”

A Few Good Men:

“You want answers?”
“I want the truth!”
"He wants truth..."
Followed by uncontrollable laughter from the entire cast for minutes during which an occasional ‘you want the truth’ is heard amidst snorting.


With great power comes great responsibility and incredible healthcare with unbelievable pay for speaking engagements after you are deemed useless by everyone.


“Get away from her you BITCH!” But this time the line is directed at Michele Obama as she tries to serve a healthy salad to an obese little girl.

Forest Gump:

Life’s like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get but if you grease my palm I can assure you of getting the cherry!

The Terminator:

I’ll be back! (Role played by Newt Gingrich.)

Cool Hand Luke:

What we got here is a failure to communicate! And we must keep it that way if we’re going to succeed. (Line spoken by top dog in the Republican Party at time of remake.)

The Wizard of Oz:

Oh Auntie Em I just kept saying, there’s no place like C Street!

Sixth Sense:

I see dead people. I see them all the time. They couldn’t pay for healthcare. They should’ve planned better!

The Graduate:

One word, Plastics! Or any petroleum product for that matter! Remember Benjamin, oil companies are our friend!

Altered Endings:


The disgusting blue aliens are routed and destroyed and mankind is free to deplete another world’s resources.

It’s a Wonderful Life:

This time Potter wins!

Beauty & the Beast:

No remake, just a change in rating from “P” to “XXX” for implied sex between lovely young white virgin woman and filthy beast.


When Bogie & Henried walk into the fog the line is changed slightly to “You know this could be the start of a beautiful joint venture yielding great profits with low taxes!”

Title changes of necessity, (you’ll see why:)

You all remember that great old time hit starring Bogart, Bergman & Henreid, “House White” (formerly Casablanca)

And who can forget the Edith Piaf story, My Life in Pink (In French it's La Vie en Rose & we all hate the French, right?)
Freedom Fries will be sold at all performances.

And finally we come to Republican Favorites:

Fave Flix:
Patriot Games
Rambo (1 through 74)
Any John Wayne movie
Any gun movie!

Honorary Mention:
The Guns of Navarone (It’s a foreign thing so they’re not that thrilled with it!)

Least Fave Flick:
Any underdog triumphing against an overlord movie –It gives them nightmares!
And in fact it's mainly why they hate Hollywood to begin with.

Least Fave Broadway show:
La Cage Aux Folles – On so many levels

Least Fave Broadway show & Flick:
Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
Fave Cartoon Character:
Yosemite Sam (Just gotta love those guns!)

Fave TV Show Title:
Married with Children (But that’s as far as it goes with that show!!!)

Fave TV Oldie:
Gunsmoke. Duh!!

Least Fave TV Show:
Glee (Ditto on the Duh!)

Most hated Sentiment on Public Statue:
Send me your poor, your tired, etc. It makes their skin crawl.

Fave Movie Line:
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Fave Comedy:
Grapes of Wrath

Fave Moral:
From Rosemary’s Baby, the story of what happens when a white woman strays from her lawfully wedded white male husband and has illicit sex with a demon or member of a darker race.
Beware the devil child that results `for it will take down all God fearing Christians.
(And don’t even think of aborting the monstrosity!  You made your bed - You should have slept in it.
What do you mean rape? How were you dressed slut?...)

And one final thought, as for home viewing, before watching any show the following disclaimer will appear:
There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear.

Heaven help us
Remember in November
Vote D!

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