You will face many problems in your lifetime, some
easily solved and others daunting but none will be quite as fraught with
dangerous pitfalls and life altering situations as deciding how much of a gift to
give the honoree at an affair.
Now you might be tempted to think this is just going
to be a bit of fluff, a way to fill paper or waste time but trust me if you
don’t give the right amount you will be marked for life! You may become a pariah among your peers; an
outcast cast out of formerly friendly circles. They will point at you and talk behind
your back. You will lose friends and
family members will shun you on holidays.
Okay it may not be that drastic but you get the
point. And to that point let’s breakdown
the parameters involved.
Of course there are many different types of affairs
but all have one common denominator, the family or families hosting the event
have the firm belief that this is the singular most important thing to be
happening in the universe on that day and the entire world should take note! And if you do anything to ruin, mar or even
just stain it, well look out.
Now I don’t mean to say that you must be racked with
fear and lose several nights worth of sleep over this question but some
consternation will arise and it must be met with logical and analytic thought. You must discuss it carefully
with your spouse to be certain you are both on the same page.
And to help you along your way I offer herewith your
guide to the age old question, “How much should we give?”
Before I can answer this you must answer a few
pertinent questions.
Is the affair a wedding or a Bar/Bas Mitzvah? (Bat
Mitzvah for you annoying nouveau Jewish types)
Is it a lesser ‘look at how wonderful my kid is’
affair like a sweet sixteen?
How about a pretentious ‘I want an extra gift’ one
like an engagement party or a baby shower or dare I say it, a divorce party?
I will leave the last two up to your discretion and
deal only with the first duo on the list.
So for these major parties, the wedding or B-Mitzvah the questions are:
Is it a friend or relative?
Is it a close friend or close relative?
Do you like the relative?
Will your child be having a similar event in the near
future?
Did your child have a similar event in the near
past? If so the question becomes nearly
moot as you will see a few lines down.
Will you be going to said affair?
How many of you will be going?
Did they invite your kids?
Are you a kid?
And perhaps the single most important question in
deciding how much to shell out for this obligation, did anyone having anything
to do with this event ever come to a similar event you hosted and did you hopefully
keep track of their gift?
Oy, so many questions, so many variables, so little money,
I mean time? What’s a potential guest to
do?
For one important piece of the puzzle I turn to my
teacher, my hero or rather heroine, my mother may she, well you know.
I still have a loose leaf binder filled not with
women as some may own but rather nearly endless lists, lists of gifts. A gift
list registry of what every attendee at every milestone event ever paid for or
hosted by my parents gave.
Yetta
and Seymour didn’t have much but they were such generous kind souls. The
cousins gave too little as a group!
I can see how much my parents received when I was
born, technically not an affair although many did attend a cutting age event
seven days later, ouch! And rather than
gifts you might be tempted to call them tips but please don’t. Again ouch! I did have my first taste of wine though so
it wasn’t a total loss, just a partial small one.
But again this self-help post is more about major
parties held at a Temple or catering hall rather than regular birthday parties
and such so back to the point.
You will be forever judged by your gift, at least by
the recipients. And lest you think size doesn't matter, when it comes to money nobody walks and trust me everybody
talks!
Give too little and you are a cheap so and so.
So what is the GGA, ‘The Goldilocks Gift Amount?’
Bonds have always been popular but remember everyone
knows a bond is really a way of giving less while seeming to be generous. It’s a way of saying I have your gift and you
can have it in ten or so years. That’s
because a $100 bond only sets you back $50!
‘So that’s it, a bond? What cheapskates!
It’s still a hundred dollars.
When? When is it a hundred dollars? When he’s
married? And did you see the gown she
was wearing? I bet she only wore it 2 or
3 times.
What?
And that necklace, what a fortune that must have cost!
The necklace was fake!
Fake shmake, those pearls were real.
No they weren’t, none of them matched.
MEN! Suddenly you’re a Polynesian diver? They’re not
supposed to match. THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW THEY’RE REAL! Meshuganeh!
Alright, so we’ll give $50.
What are you nuts? Want to look cheap like them? They gave $100, we give $100.
But you said…
A bond, a $100 bond!
We have to give a $100 bond also.
SO I have to go to the bank…
Such a hardship. To save $50 you want to stay home? Get a bond!’
When it comes to an amount to give that has meaning
many choose to go with multiples of Chai, the Jewish symbol of Life. The numerical value of said symbol is 18 and therefore some may give that or
$36, $54 etc. Of course it may get
awkward when the event calls for $200 and you write a well intentioned check
for $198. What, it’s eleven times life
for crying out loud!
Suppose it’s a wedding and the bride’s family is not
from the same city as the groom? The
heads of the two families will then have to fight it out behind the scenes and decide which city wins the event. Think
it’s easy? Think again.
We recently witnessed a wedding in Seward Alaska near
the bride’s family home. The groom on
the other hand had his family fly in FROM BUFFALO, NY! Of course given the choice between those two
places the herd of Buffalo didn't balk too much. And we all know which side of the nuptial bed
will be wearing the pants in that new family!
But if no one can win the geographic tug of war or
the soon to be newly-weds have their hearts set on that tropical beach or
mid-western farmhouse as their venue of choice you have what’s now commonly
known as a “Destination Wedding” on your hands.
This is a particularly interesting event in that it causes
no end, or seemingly no end of angst among all involved with the possible
exception of the main couple who cannot fathom why everyone wouldn't want to
come and join them a mere round trip ticket away from home. It also generally means that the Machatunem
have loads of gelt! And you are now
faced with loads of guilt!
Do you go or not?
Is the destination a place you’d like to visit?
Can you afford the time and expense of the trip?
And remember the costs of getting there, the hotel
room or rooms, and the time off from your ever demanding job and subsequent
loss of salary cannot be included in or rather deducted from the gift. Although the aforementioned extras do weigh
heavily on your mind and bank account and tend to taint your thoughts as you
write the check and stuff it into the envelope possibly wrinkling it just a bit
in defiance. “I hope they notice!”
The hosts know that a destination wedding will cut
down on attendance and perhaps they are counting on that to allow them to lower
the number of dinners they must guarantee the caterer. Of course the caterer who was not born yesterday or
even seven days ago, ouch, knows this as well and ups his price. This causes
the hosts to hope you will up yours as well. The gift I mean.
And that brings us to another consideration all must
use, the assumed approximate cost of the affair in question. You generally want to cover at least the cost
of your meal at any event you attend.
If you are being invited to an outdoor affair at
some park in the afternoon or a ‘rec room’ in the basement of an apartment
building you might be tempted to drop the amount a tad. After all the family didn't have to pay all
that much to set this thing up did they?
So why should I empty my bank account?
But if that’s your modus operandi be careful. You may
be invited to the fancy shmancy Waldorf Astoria! It’s nice to attend such a hoity toity affair
but understand the couple will be expecting fair compensation for their
parent’s outlay!
And speaking of expectations a subliminal message
from the inviter to the invitee on how much they expect you to fork over for
your knife and fork use at din-din is that tiny 3 word phrase at the bottom of
the invitation – Black Tie Optional.
This is naturally to be translated as Black Tie Preferred.
Or worse, you might be hit with the more
pretentious and simple, ‘BLACK TIE!’
This one is like blatantly saying “if you have to ask how much to give,
YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT! But give it anyway.”
In either case give too little you are cheap but
give too much and you are showing off (look
how rich we are) and once again tempting fate (poo poo poo.)
Now lest you get the idea this is just about one
group of people or one religious denomination let me assure you similar
thoughts are agonized over in most others.
In some areas of the world the question might be, ‘is
one mule enough or should we give Sister Sara two?’
In medieval times the king or local ruler had a
special gift he bestowed upon a bride, every bride, in private. I wonder if they both had a smoke afterward.
Different ethnic groups today have different ideas
about gifts for these events. Some routinely give actual physical gifts they
feel will be needed in future life. For
example some may bring a toaster or food processor to a wedding. The hosts are aware of this and even set up
gift tables to receive these bulky items.
Of course a $100 check could buy a toaster and still have enough cash
left over to buy some bread to toast.
A small splinter group of Italians (fictional or otherwise and not generally meant to signify all of them - poo poo poo) made
famous on TV shows or films like The Godfather, Scarface or the Sopranos also
give cash but in a slightly different denomination than your normal guest.
“Here
Don Clendonian I brung you dis envelope what I stuffed with cash from my latest
encounter with some locals to help your lovely daughter and her soon to be member
a da family business if you get my drift as they start on deir journey trough
what will be a beautiful and long life togeda as husband and wife and have many
wonaful healthy offspring. I want you
should call on me if dis is not enough or I should do something more for dem or for you in
da future.”
Gifts of ten to twenty thousand dollars were not
unheard of but anything too small and the gift giver himself might be unheard
of again! Fuggedaboutit!
Again whatever your ethnic or social background is think
hard and find YOUR GGA.
Now suppose you are not sure if the venue is a top
notch one or the quality of the caterer is unknown beforehand? Then I suggest the following.
While some people like to send a check and card early
so they don’t have to carry it you should not.
My advice is to carry the gift check and card to the
affair in an unsealed envelope and carry an extra check made out to the
honorees but without an amount written thereon ready to use just in case.
If you don’t get ptomaine poisoning and the band or
deejay does not cause your eardrums to explode then seal away and leave in the
comforting knowledge that you have done the right thing.
But if you spend your time looking at your
watch, visiting the bathroom, and stuffing your ears with tissue paper you will
be so happy you carried a replacement check.
And whatever you do don’t forget to remove the first check. Trust me if you seal the envelope with both
in it, both will be cashed. I know I would!
Whatever decision you make remember yours will only
be one of many gifts and their total will not come close to paying for the entire
event which has often been likened to buying a new car and driving it off a
cliff. So try to enjoy the affair, after
all you paid for the right!
Because finally understand this one universal truth,
no matter what you give the recipient will send you that ‘Thank You very much
for your generous gift’ card all the while jotting down the amount received in
their binder and thinking you could have given more you cheap bastard!