1) I promise to lower taxes!
a) The taxes that will be lowered may not even affect you at all!
b) The gap between you and the wealthy will rise!
c) They will get a hugely better break and you will have to make up the difference needed to keep government going.
2) Hillary lied about e-mails
a) I really don’t have much to bring her down with so hopefully this will deflect the fact that I am a useless panderer.
b) If you took the time to investigate this non-issue I would be toast but luckily you are too stupid to think for yourself so I can win!
3) Benghazi - Hillary's fault allowing 4 Americans to be killed
a) Please don’t investigate and find out that my party cut funding for security in Libya and other U S Embassies around the world.
b) If we had allowed more funding for security it is likely those 4 Americans would be alive today!
c) Thank goodness you are such fools and believe the crap I spew!
4) Obama is a Muslim and he wasn’t even born in the US!
a) After trying to defeat this black Democrat and failing we have nothing else to use for our base to debase him with!
b) We tried to get rid of the costly healthcare he rammed through and failed. Of course it was only costly to the wealthy people.
c) We cannot allow anymore of his proposals to pass so that maybe we can get his name out of the history books.
d) We know the name of Obama will never make it into the school books of Texas but that’s just not enough!!
5) Vote for us – We are the party of fiscal responsibility!
a) Just don’t look at facts since spending always goes up under our Republican majority and always down under theirs.
b) The statement is half true however since we ARE responsible to the wealthy donors who basically own our votes.
6) We are the JOBS Party!
a) Well, not exactly jobs for you but…
b) We have secured OUR jobs and those of our owners by redistricting America and making it nearly impossible for us to lose seats in Congress!
c) If we could just fool a few more people into believing half the shit we say we might even win back the White House.
7) Vote For Us – Voting is your right – Exercise it!
a) Of course with our gerrymandered districts and voter fraud programs if you are not going to vote for us we will find a way to stop you from voting altogether!
b) We are here for you but not to actually do anything for you. Be real!!
c) Keep your streak of voting against your own best interests alive! We really love your naivete.
d) But since we are pros at committing fraud (see 2000 Florida) we will stop voter fraud in its dirty minority riddled tracks!
e) We know all the tricks of voter fraud, hell we invented them!
f) We will keep pointing to the 4 instances of voter fraud we found that harmed our side as proof that it is rampant and you are too stupid to see the truth!
8) Climate Change is a Liberal Media Hoax!
a) We are not scientists but puh-lease, How could little ole me cause an entire planet to get hot?
b) If we start doing anything about fossil fuel emissions now it will kill all the jobs we were able to get for you! You don't want to lose your jobs do you?
c) The economy is just too fragile to mess with. If we start taxing coal emissions think of all the money the wealthy businesses would lose. And when they lose money they take it out on us, I mean you, you! Of course you! Haha, damn you Freud!
9) We are the Family Values Party!
a) This is true as long as you don’t ask us which families we are in power to protect and promote.
b) Our family values? Come on, don’t make me laugh.
10) Marriage is between one man and one woman.
a) Well at least one man and one woman at a time! Uh, sorry Mr. Romney!
b) We can’t believe how many religious assholes are out there who really think WE think same sex marriage will lead to beastiality! What jackasses!
c) And of course we believe in marriage! Just look at Newt - He's working on number 3? 4? Sorry, I lose track!